Aftercare for dummies
So you’re still here? I had to take a little mental care time, thanks for waiting. I’m back now and I feel much better. Speaking of care, I’ve been asked by a lot of you to write about aftercare. If you’re here and don’t know what aftercare is, that’s ok. We’re still learning things as we go and I’m happy to teach. Today’s article is brought to you by Brat Butter. That will be discussed later, but if you haven’t gotten any yet, get on it.
Aftercare may be another of the most important things to BDSM and Kink. I say may because not everyone does it and not everyone wants it. After care is essentially that process of caring for your sub or Dom (Yes, Doms can need aftercare too) after a play session. A play session can almost be a controlled trauma. It does things to the mind and body that we don’t experience without a traumatic moment happening.
What comes with a trauma? Adrenaline, anxiety, adrenaline dump, in some cases we experience a rush of endorphins to help soothe the mind to block the negative experiences of a traumatic event. Play sessions aren’t much different than trauma. We go through a range of emotions, feelings and our senses can be overwhelmed. That’s half the fun right?
After a play session, your body needs to recover and that is what after care does. It allows you to come back to reality, leave sub or Dom space, and adapt to understand what your body and mind experienced. When we think about a play session, we don’t think all of those things can happen to our body, but it does. We assume it’s just like having sex and when we get done, we roll over and go to sleep.
Aftercare can be the difference between a sub or Dom processing something they loved, or not having a chance to let it sink in and rejecting it in the future.
There are different ways that aftercare responsibility can be handled by the sub or the Dom.
A sub, in most cases, has the most damaging experience in a play session. They can have impacts against their skin, they can bleed, bruise, and things can be injured, they can experience mental effects of the scenario. The things that come along with a play session aren’t limited to bad things of course. The sub can hit subspace. I have an article that covers that. They will still need to come down and get gripped back to reality outside of the Dom.
Doms, especially newer ones, can also experience some of the negative effects of a play session. It’s mostly mental in their case, but physical effects happen too. It’s part of the sub’s responsibility to still assist when they can. Just because the play session is over, we don’t abandon our responsibility as a partner.
There are essentially three ways aftercare can be applied:
Physical Aftercare– Massages, Cuddles, and anything that can be done to ease the feelings on the skin are physical aftercare processes. Brat Butter and Spanking Salve (that’s coming soon) was designed for aftercare. The scent and texture of Brat Butter offers a calming effect that can help the skin recover and put the submissive at ease. Spanking Salve is designed with natural numbing products and can help with the sensitive skin that can come from deep impact play. Physical aftercare isn’t always just cuddles and massage though. Some submissives have been known to enjoy still serving their Dominant as a form of physical aftercare. These submissives can often go into a furniture mode (think a footstool for their Dominant as they relax on the couch). Just like all things kink, there is no wrong way as long as it follows the SSC model and everyone is aware of what is needed.
Mental Aftercare – This can be talking, watching cartoons (works well for a little in subspace), or anything that can provide a mental comedown to the submissive. Mental aftercare can be as simple as getting them a snack or water after a session and giving them space. Aftercare can only be discussed with your partner, no one can tell you exactly what will work after things are done. I had a partner that thoroughly enjoyed being abused verbally and physically during a play session, it was tough for me because I knew she had a history of abusive relationships and severe PTSD from them. The mental aftercare was the most important to her. It was about bringing her out of those moments that happened and helping her come back to the reality that it wasn’t like that anymore. Conversation and a snack was the best way to serve her.
As a Dom, that was difficult the first few times it happened, I didn’t want to trigger her or create a place where she felt unsafe. It wasn’t until we talked about it that we understood it was therapy for her essentially. She was replacing the negative violence in the past with the positive and subspace that came with the same impacts. The human mind is quite amazing and can create many new associations that can help resolve old feelings to become positive.
Emotional Aftercare – Words of affirmation are a great way to help with the emotional aftercare. Hearing that you were a good girl, or that they are here if you need anything can be more powerful than anything. Emotional Aftercare is harder to define. We all have things that make us feel better after things that alter our mind-state happen to us.
If you aren’t sure what works best for you or your partner, talk about it. If you’re not sure, experiment and go through the process together.
Aftercare can be the make or break for BDSM. Some of us need it, some of us don’t want any bit of it. That’s why SSC and communication are still the most important things before, during, and after a play session.
What kind of aftercare is important to you? How did you discover that it was the way you needed to come back down?
Comment below, on the Facebook group or reach out any way that you can and I’ll add it to the article as a quote. Don’t forget to follow all of the social links here
Until Next Time Peace Out sub Scouts